


5 times Kirk tried to matchmake and the one time his plans finally worked.

by oddegg



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-30
Updated: 2010-03-30
Packaged: 2017-10-08 13:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the reboot kink meme. Prompt: <em>"I'd like to see Kirk playing matchmaker for Spock and McCoy. Maybe a 5 times fic. ... Bonus? Keenser is his side kick in this venture"</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	5 times Kirk tried to matchmake and the one time his plans finally worked.

1.  
The first time, at the party – the time that gave him the idea initially – didn't really count in Kirk's mind. It was near the end of a heavy evening's drinking and to tell the truth he'd been slurring so much that he didn't think they'd heard him anyway.

But he'd looked over to where Bones and Spock where having another of their bickering arguments and called "Hug it out, guys!" anyway. Due to the slurring it come out sounded more like _'Huguenot gays_' so he didn't blame them for ignoring him. He'd watched Bones storm off and leaned over to the person next to him to say with drunken sincerity "We've got to get those crazy kids together!"

Keenser had just stared back and then watched, expressionless, as Kirk forgot to _stop_ leaning and slowly fell over into his lap.

 

2.  
Because the idea had seemed to make just as much sense (and be just as amusing) in the morning, and because Jim Kirk believed in striking while the iron was hot, the first _proper_ attempt was made the very next day.

He'd tracked down Keenser again because from what his, admittedly hazy, memory recalled the little guy had been a sympathetic listener the night before. Keenser had just looked at him and shrugged, but he'd done what was necessary to make the turbo lift stop between floors when Kirk asked him.

"See" Kirk was explaining "Trapped in close proximity – it's a classic! They'll be lip-locking in no time!"

It was at that point that Bones wandered round the corner and noticed them by the open access panel to the right of lift doors. "Damn thing stuck again? Never trust them myself, always try to hoof it if I can" Then, shaking his head, the medic carried on walking.

Kirk looked down at Keenser and Keenser looked back at Kirk and then silently reached out and re-installed a conduit. Ten seconds later the lift doors opened to show a pouting, disappointed looking Nurse Chapel and – on the other side, as far away as he could get – a paler than usual Spock, who proceeded to nearly _sprint_ out of the lift and down the corridor, barely waiting for Kirk to get out of the way.

Chapel shot both of them a nasty look and went as well, muttering something about _'Needed another few minutes, damn it'_

Kirk tapped his finger against his mouth and said reluctantly "It's possible we need to put some more thought into this…"

Keenser didn't have eyebrows to raise but he managed to give the impression of doing it anyway.

 

3.  
So the next attempt was more carefully thought out. Sort of. Maybe.

Actually, Kirk had been on his second glass of Scotty's home brew when the idea hit. He turned to Keenser and said gleefully "That's the answer! We get them both drunk! Well…" he narrowed his eyes "We'll have to get _Spock_ drunk enough to loosen him up some. Bones won't need that much – he's kind of easy when he's had a couple"

Keenser doesn't say anything about the hypocrisy of that last statement but Kirk's noticed the little dude has some very telling silences.

Kirk nearly has to beg before Spock has his first hot chocolate in the rec room that evening, but he programmed the replicator specially to make it out of 85% solids, dark Maya gold and then spiked it with three Godiva truffles as a kicker, so it was easy enough after the Vulcan had finished that to give him another large mug full and hand him – swaying slightly – off onto Bones before moving to where his little green sidekick was sitting in the corner to observe the fun.

Unfortunately it seemed that Spock was a maudlin drunk. Kirk watched as his First Officer began to look more and more morose and even a little teary eyed, and as an expression of uncomfortable, creeping horror crossed Bones face. That _was_ fun but not quite what he'd been aiming for and he was just wondering if another top-up would perk Spock's mood up a bit when the Vulcan's face slowly went a bit pink tinged and then he suddenly bent over neatly and threw up on Bones' shoes.

There was a pause filled with shouting from the other side of the room and then Kirk said with an attempt at brightness "…Well, on the plus side, Bones is a medic and he's _used_ to dealing with body fluids in his work"

Keenser made a small noise of dissent which implied that, for that very reason, the doctor might be less than happy having to deal with it during his down time. Kirk had to admit he saw his point.

 

4.  
Hacking into his own ship's computer to schedule daily physicals for Spock with Bones, or to download xeno-erotica onto Bones' office workstation was probably more trying to be irritating than trying to set them up.

The mocking up and then pushing under Spock's door of leaflets titled things like 'Pon Farr and You', 'Everything You Wanted to Know About Plak Tow But Were Too Emotionless to Ask' and (his personal favourite) 'So…Your Blood's on Fire, Your Childhood Betrothed Dead, You're Stranded, In a Cave, With One Blanket That You Need to Share With Your Handsome (Possibly Medically Trained) Companion?: A Visual Guide to 'Huddling for Warmth' Positions – With Reference to the Intergalactic Karma Sutra'…?

Well. That had been out and out poking the sleeping bear.

He got in some good hands of fizzbin with Keenser in the engine rooms while he was hiding from the wrath of his First Officer though. Keenser has an _awesome_ fizzbin face.

 

5.  
Kirk passed the spanner that Keenser gestured for over and returned to his pouting. "I don't understand it! They've ignored every opportunity to get into each others pants – it's almost like they don't WANT to get laid!!"

Keenser gave a small shrug, suggesting that some people may be less hung up on the whole sex thing. Kirk frowned "**I** happen to think that healthy amounts of sex are the most important thing in a relationship"

Keenser's hand gestures were economical but said clearly that, yes – that was because Kirk was a slut.

Kirk ignored that and thought deeply. The concept was hard to get his head around but… "Maybe they need something a bit more… romantic?"

Keenser was now looking at his own spanner as though contemplating knocking himself out with it.

* *

It had taken a lot of work – mostly on the part of Keenser – but by the next evening one of the smaller, quieter rec rooms was carefully laid out with the full works: spotless white cloth over a table; hand cooked, not replicated food (and who would have guessed that the little dude was practically a cordon bleu chef?); an interesting if disturbingly sentient looking plant pilfered from Sulu's room just bursting into flower as a centrepiece; a mix of Vulcan harp music and soft jazz on low in the background.

Kirk arranged for invitations-come-orders to attend a meeting to be sent to both Bones and Spock, each purporting to come from the other, and then all they had to do was conceal themselves close by to observe the awe struck looks when the two men arrived and how their surprise would slowly melt into tender passion as they realised their feelings for each other and moved together to…

It struck him that a maintenance cupboard outside was not actually the best place to, you know, _observe_ this and a niggling thought was also poking him and asking him if he was quite sure what room number he'd sent. He definitely knew he, or rather 'Bones', had said rec room 46AD to Spock but he had a horrible feeling that 'Spock' may have sent the number 36DD to Bones. Maybe he shouldn't have sent that one whilst ogling Ensign Ramora Holten's impressive 'credentials' at the same time.

It also occurred to him that the room they'd set up was actually 25BA. Damn it!

And then, of course, the door wouldn't open. And the lights didn't come on when he asked. And Keenser stood on Kirk's foot when he pushed past him to check on the lock and he was surprisingly heavy for such a compact person so Kirk had yelled and hopped on his undamaged foot and banged into the shelves as he did so, causing something incredibly sharp to fall off and whistle past him – thankfully missing skin but ripping open his top – and then it had been followed by something heavy that had bonked Kirk on the head, toppling him over to fall into the door, smashing it open so they both tumbled out into the corridor, with Kirk dazed and rumpled and Keenser's face in his crotch.

He heard the raised voices before the ringing in his ears had stopped, and neither Bones nor Spock paid much attention to their frozen little tableau as they came up to them, Spock in front with what Kirk thought of as his 'pissy Vulcan bitch' face on.

"…what I meant, _Doctor_, was that if you feel the meeting you called was urgent enough that it necessitated removing me from delicate and sensitive experiments you could have had the courtesy to arrive at the designated time yourself"

"For god's sake, man! You'd think with ears that pointy you'd be able to pick up what people said the first time! I didn't call you! YOU called me! And you were in the wrong room anyway!!"

Spock didn't even glance at Kirk and Keenser as he swept away back to the science labs and Bones barely had time to spit a distracted "Do you _have_ to do that in the middle of the corridor, Jim?" before stalking after Spock with murder in his eye, snarling "Oh no you don't, you rigid, green blooded bastard – you come back here!"

After Bones had disappeared round the corner as well Kirk didn't move for a few moments and then said, with great finality "Ok. I am finally acknowledging there is a scenario that I can't win. I. Give. Up"

Keenser let out a deep breath of relief against Kirk's crotch. It was disturbingly pleasant.

 

And 1.

So because he'd given up, the time it worked Kirk hadn't actually been planning anything.   
If he had he'd have tried to come up with something less full of pain for himself than being pushed into a ditch full of sharp rocks and sharper thorns on prickly bushes, and he'd definitely come up with something that didn't involve Spock being the one who'd pushed him and him doing it so he could step in front of Kirk and take the blast from the pulse weapon that their attackers were wielding.

A well thought out plan wouldn't have ended up with him frantically trying to stop his First Officer from bleeding out with one hand as he returned fire with the other, screaming at Scotty to _'Beam us up and get Bones, goddamn it! Officer down!'_ It wouldn't have ended with them materialising on the floor of the transporter room and him watching, stunned and green smeared with blood, as a white faced Bones whisked Spock away at a run, barking orders at his crew to start prepping surgery room A.

He and his crew wouldn't have had to pace anxiously in sick bay until Christine Chapel came out, looking tired but thankful, to tell them that "He's going to be alright. But maybe you should give them-"

But none of them listened to her before pushing their way into the room and so – all unplanned – they were perfectly in time to see Spock weakly hold up the first two fingers of his hand for Bones to place his own trembling ones against, and to hear the doctor's rough voice say "You don't get to do that again, Spock. Do you hear me? You don't get to leave me!" before leaning down and gently, so gentle in contrast to the harsh tone of his voice, place his lips against Spock's.

Kirk could see the bright smiles of all his friends at the sight and the happy tears on the faces of Uhura and Scotty. He felt a little choked up himself.

He went to throw his arm around Keenser who was standing next to him, realised he was much too short, and patted him on the head instead. "You know what, little dude? I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"

Kirk smiled with pride at his two best friends wrapped up in each other on the bed. His gaze drifted over to where his pilot and his navigator stood – stood, as he now noticed, rather close to each other…

He whispered to Keenser "Hmm. Could be something going on there? Close friendship can often move on to become romance. I wonder if we should help them along…?"

Keenser sighed.


End file.
